Have you ever felt like you’ve been searching for something so intangible you can’t even label it? The questions that filled my mind the past month spilled onto pages upon pages of writing that’ll never see daylight all led up to one moment, or a collection of moments, all moving towards the end of what was one heck of a month.
I was searching for something I didn’t know, something I wanted but couldn’t quite explain. Sunday, I lay on a black tube in a river overlooking mountains that seemed taller than the clouds above. Half of the time, I prepared myself for a situation in which the tube could betray me, sending me over the edge and flinging my wetsuit covered body into the frigid water. The other half of the time, I reflected.
There’s no better therapy than spending time in nature, no moment so peaceful than one spent disconnected, focused, and withdrawn. Torn away from the creature comforts of social media and the like, I was thinking back. I thought back to high school English classes, talking about the meaning of life. I thought about talks with my one of my best friends here in Taiwan about what we thought life’s purpose was, and debating what we both thought ours was (both of us turning out to have very similar goals in mind).
It was on that tube in the seclusion of nature that I laid back, one thought making its way to the forefront of my brain, and found myself smiling from ear to ear. All alone, I was smiling at the absurdity of the revelation: life’s purpose–above all–is to live a life full of love. I’m not talking strictly romantic love either. You can have romance and still not lead a life full of love. Leading a life full of love is so much more than that.
Living life and acting through love is about putting all your effort into tasks, giving back to people, being there for your friends and family, and finding joy in the little things, and sometimes being in situations where you sacrifice your happiness for someone you care about. Living a life full of love seems like it is so directly related to finding a soulmate or romantic partner, when in all actuality, love seeps into other areas of our lives, some we don’t even realize. When you find yourself putting love into everything you do, the life you live will be richer, brighter, and happier for you and all that you interact with.
As my tube moved along down the river, I pieced together my life and whether or not I was living it with the intentions of putting love into every action I completed. And I wasn’t. The last month, I found myself directing those types of actions to other people, when I had left myself out of the mix and without proper self love or appreciation. By the month’s end, I was so mentally and physically tired that I felt like I could sleep for a week. That, above all, seemed like the opposite of what should be happening for anyone, no matter the circumstance. Without loving yourself and appreciating all your flaws, how do you expect someone else to love you in return, no matter the flaws or the circumstances?
Living a life full of love starts within, because if you love yourself and accept yourself, no bad outcome or tricky situation will defeat you too badly, but it’ll empower you to be better, do better, and love better. Otherwise, pouring all of your heart out into other areas of your life without leaving a piece for yourself leaves you still, quiet, and self-deprecating to a fault. After I had this realization, too, the tube I was in decided to test me and flip me into the cold water.
March may have been one of the more interesting months, but there were lessons learned along the way, more of myself I had yet to uncover that was exposed, more mountains and sea to witness with my own two eyes, and new goals set forth for the coming months. At times, I may not be exactly the woman I want to be, or see my life exactly as I want it to be someday. But for now, I love what I have, what I’ve worked towards, and will continue to love the people and all aspects of my life. Everything that has materialized in the last twenty two years of my life has created what my life is now, and has the capacity to only keep creating, until the image in my head of what I imagine fully for my life comes to reality, most likely be surprise and without due warning. After all, nothing worth having comes easy, or in a timely manner.
