I confess myself not to be the largest Harry Potter fan, but one of the most memorable parts of the series is in the second movie, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Or maybe it was the third movie. Regardless, Dumbledore introduces Harry to his phoenix, explaining that it dies and is reborn, over and over again from its own ashes. I have no idea why the idea is so attractive to me, but it is. I like the idea that we are born again and again, for whatever reason: out of pain, outgrowing situations, and any other reason that allows us to find new parts of ourselves.
Metaphorically speaking, there’s a shift coming. So much has changed and now I am pondering the lot: the people I want to surround myself with and care for, the goals I want to accomplish in my life, the type of bonds I want to share with people, the work I want to do for my career, and the places I want to go in the future. All of it is up for grabs, because lately, my scorecard has been weak, and my idea board has become chock full of ideas, all of them potentially in the running for my next big move.
But prior to today, I was honestly feeling hopeless. I’ve been in a rut, self-induced I might add. I have felt lost, hurt, broken, confused, and just, in general (pardon my French) shitty. It happens sometimes. Things happen and in the end, you’re grateful it happened because it shows you that you deserve better, and you will find it someday. Today changed so much for me, and my students are to blame, in a good way.
The day started much the same as this weekend had been. Truth be told, I was not looking forward to this week because I absolutely am terrible at faking emotions. I’m horrible at lying and saying I’m okay when I’m not. I can’t be fake for the love of all that is still good in this world, so I was worried how work would go seeing as my state of mind was less than ideal, and my patience was running low. I didn’t want it to affect work, because I absolutely from the bottom of my heart adore each and every one of my students. But I was proven wrong about worrying about how work would go.
My first class turned out great and the kids were listening, still being crazy little first graders like they always are, but once I was teaching, my mind slipped away from the things that were dragged me down and leaving me feeling all sad, and I was truly just with my students. I was being silly and letting down my guard, which always feels nice in the classroom. During the first break, one of the students in the class who was a little sick and quieter than usual that day walked over to my seat. She looked at me with her big eyes, didn’t say a word, climbed into my lap and held my hand, intertwining her fingers in mine. She leaned back and rested her head on my chest and stayed there for ten minutes, just relaxing. It was one of the little moments that I didn’t know I needed today, even though I know half of her reasoning for laying on me was so she could take a little nap and avoid correcting her quiz for the Chinese teacher.
The rest of my day was much the same. My classes were actually not so bad, and many of my classes kept me smiling and laughing, which I needed. I am grateful. Grateful because I forget how innocent but aware my students are (many of them barely over the age of eight), and just how small moments can mean the most. I began the day feeling down and left the day feeling more hopeful, because working with kids reminds you that what matters most is finding what makes you happiest and makes you laugh. Life is all about chasing the people and the things that light your soul on fire, and trying your best to avoid the things that don’t do this for you. These days, a lot of what I used to think supported and mirrored my soul has changed, but that’s okay.
Like the phoenix in Harry Potter, it’s okay to reinvent yourself, leave the things that hurt you behind for now, and be born again. You may want to revisit those parts someday, but it’s okay to want to forget about them for a while. Do things that clear your head. Spend time with children or today’s youth to remind yourself of life’s most precious things, because I guarantee despite their young age, their vision of the world is the purest, most innocent one you’ll find. Take time to listen to yourself and forget about others for a while, and allow yourself to feel broken once in a while. For all the broken cracks in your soul are the places the light comes in, and just like the phoenix, you’ll rise again just as strong if not stronger than you were before because you weren’t afraid to let the light in again.
