Back in May 2013, I went in for my first tattoo ever. I was terrified, but I spent a lot of my days back then in a constant state of anxiety. So, in an effort to push myself past my comfort zone, I sat under the needle for about an hour. I got my first tattoo, and one that would cause me a lot of controversy for a couple of years: a girl breaking out of chains.
Now, even if you asked my friends before I got my first one, they would tell you all the same thing: they never saw me as someone who would want to get a tattoo. But here I am, five years after, now with five tattoos. Yes, you read that right. Five. Lesson learned: people can really surprise you, even yourself.
After I got my first one, then my second, third, fourth, and so on, I realized all my tattoos were connected. All done by different artists and in the case of my fifth, on different continents, they all tell the same story. A story of someone coming into their own, on their own terms.
Coming to the end of my freshman year of university, I spent a lot of my time not on the ice or in the classroom contemplating my childhood, and how much we don’t stop to think about why we do what we do growing up. Like do we really want to go to Harvard or do our parents just want that for us? Did we really want to do Honor Society all four years or did we do it to impress someone or some institution? These sorts of things I thought about, and all led to my first tattoo: sliding out of the chains and walking free, into unknown territory. At that point, it was time for me to decide for myself what kind of life I wanted for myself, and just what kind of person I wanted to be.
About a year or two later, I went to the tattoo parlor on a whim with a quote in my phone. Luckily, no one was there and they drew it up and two hours after leaving campus, I had another tattoo on my body: ça passe ou ça casse. It passes or it breaks. No matter what happens in life, nothing can be terrible forever. We come to a middle ground, because everything much reach equilibrium within due time.
Then, a couple of months later, my third one also came to being after I didn’t want to sit through studying any longer: a compass, to signal direction. I wasn’t sure what direction that was at the time, but all I knew is I loved the idea. I loved travel. And I wanted a tattoo, so I did it. It would only be later down the road that I figured out just what they all meant to me.
During my senior year, I got a tattoo done with my best friend: the Taurus constellation, to symbolize our friendship and that we’d always be with each other, no matter how far apart we strayed. I still look at that tattoo and smile, because I’m reminded of the companions I have met through this life, and all the beautiful souls I am so lucky to call my friends and family. Without companionship, memories are truly not as sweet. And for that weekend, time seemed to stop. We were forever young, even if we both knew in two months time, we’d both split ways for what would turn out to be two years before we got to see each other in person again.
Now, my fifth and final tattoo: my Chinese name. I wrote a little bit about it on my Instagram, but here’s the story behind the name. 麥琳 was assigned to me by the Taiwanese government for legal purposes, but the name became much more to me over the last two years. Taiwan was an impulsive decision, driven by intuition. I knew I had to come here, or I’d regret it. And so I came, driven by nothing more than the prospect of adventure and new beginnings. And everything I encountered here–the good, the bad, the ugly, the depressing, the uplifting, and everything in between–taught me a fair deal, but at some point in the last couple of months, I looked in the mirror and realized something big. Or as Trumpy would say, something huuuuuuuuuuuuge.
For the first time in my life, I honestly think, I looked in the mirror and knew who was staring right back at me. I knew what I loved, what I disliked, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, the people I cared about, my insecurities, my confident areas, etc. I knew who I was and I loved myself unconditionally. No matter how much people tested me or attempted to influence me, I knew what I wanted and I trusted what I felt was right. It sounds silly, like it’s this minor thing, but to me, this is everything. After all, if you can’t be your own best friend, how do you expect to be a good friend to others?
All my tattoos have led up to this: from breaking out of my limitations, believing in the light at the end of the tunnel, to searching for direction and finding like-minded souls in this world, it all helped me to this point. My journey is far from over, but I have reached what I consider my first big accomplishment: finding myself. And now that I have found her, the possibilities for the future are as endless as the oceans around us.
