University was a crazy time. Friends came and went, routines changed at the drop of a hat, but by the end of the four years, I was happy I endured it all. There were many moments that left me with lessons I didn’t know I needed to learn. Dozens of times, I found myself in situations where my kindness had been abused and I felt stupid for believing it could go differently, for believing in someone wrongly. But now, looking back, I realize it was not my loss, but perhaps more of their loss after all was said and done.
Back then, I believed I was dispensable. I thought it was easy to find a friend like me. To be honest, this is still something I struggle with, but fight to see. There are moments still now that leave me feeling slighted, like I have been slapped in the face. However that’s unavoidable because everyone ends up like that at times. The only difference between now and then is that I bounce back a little quicker, and I know what I deserve after all is said and done.
I deserve friends who know who I am–want to know who I truly am–and value me as much as I value them. Friends who are there unconditionally, won’t hurt me, are honest with me, and want to see me grow and be better. People who make me laugh, hold me when I cry, and are there no matter the time or place, because they know I would do all the same for them. I deserve friends who I can contact days, weeks, months, years after not seeing each other and pick up like nothing has changed.
I deserve to find the things and people that make me happy and let go of those things and people that don’t make me happy. No one should feel obligated to hold onto what hurts us, because gripping tighter to the thorn laced rose bushes won’t heal your wounds, it’ll only make them worse. More so, I deserve to be happy. It’s okay to be selfish and find your own happiness before trying to help others. Heck, that’s probably what everyone else is doing anyway. You don’t have to always take care of others, because more often than not, people might not do the same for you.
I deserve to wait for love instead of chasing dead end roads and paths. No love that has to be chased is going to last, because they’ll wait for the next person to chase them and then you’ll just be another piece of history to them. Love should be easy, kind, comforting, safe, and you should never second guess whether or not someone truly cares for you. It should be as simple as sitting on the couch cuddled together under a blanket watching Netflix, or walking through the supermarket buying groceries because even the most mundane tasks are exciting with them. Love shouldn’t be forced; it should be real. Real love is like coming home, but also invigorating. And everyone deserves to wait for the love that they deserve instead of settling for what they think they deserve. More often than not, we deserve way more than we give ourselves credit for.
I’m far from the girl I was in college, and thank goodness for that, because I know what I deserve. I know what to wait for, even if it still hurts to let go of what could be. Sometimes instead of waiting around for the bloody epiphanies, you have to give up. Giving up doesn’t mean on yourself, but on the potential of the situation. You give up for your own good, so that you can accept what is truly meant for you in the future. After all, all that is meant to be in our lives eventually finds its way back. So, we have to trust that whatever will be, will be, and everything works itself out, as long as we don’t lose sight of our worth and what we know we deserve in this life.
